Therapist Thoughts: Inner Circles and Mental Space

Do you ever get that feeling when you’re trying to work out whether someone is genuinely nice or not? It could be a friend, colleague, client, neighbour, or even someone you’ve just met. Most of us spend a surprising amount of time trying to figure out what people are truly like. This isn’t inherently a problem—humans are naturally curious, and our brains are wired to make sense of social cues. However, in many situations, constantly analysing whether someone is “actually” nice can become a bit of a waste of time (in my opinion).

Of course, there are exceptions. When it comes to close relationships—such as a partner or family member—it makes sense to want a deeper understanding of who they are. When dating, for example, it’s natural to ask questions like: Are they genuine? Are they kind? Are they loyal? These are important considerations. What I’m trying to convey here is that constantly thinking about others—especially those who don’t play a significant role in our lives—can drain a lot of mental energy without offering much in return.

Recently, one of my patients came into clinic for her third session. She was doing well, and the plan was to discharge her after the next session. A few minutes into the session, she shared that over the past few days she had been spending a lot of time thinking about other people—what they thought of her, whether they were genuinely nice, or whether their behaviour was just for show. She explained that this pattern of thinking often led her into a cycle of worry, anxiety, and overthinking, which she found quite challenging. The irony was that, as she pointed out, most of these people weren’t even particularly important in her life. In fact, one of her main worries stemmed from a colleague she only saw once a month.

I gently explored some of these thoughts with her and introduced a few CBT-based techniques, such as the STOPP technique and grounding exercises. After the session, I reflected on what she had said. It’s true—many of us can easily get stuck in cycles of rumination and worry. But one perspective I find helpful is this: instead of trying to work out whether someone is nice or not, what if we simply focused on enjoying the interaction itself?

We can rarely know someone’s true intentions unless they are very close to us. So with a neighbour you chat to occasionally, or someone you see socially but don’t know deeply, perhaps the goal doesn’t need to be “figuring them out.” Instead, try to be present in the conversation and make the most of the moment. If the interaction isn’t causing you distress or harm, it’s okay to let it be what it is—without overanalysing it.

I’m also a firm believer in the idea of inner and outer circles. Your inner circle consists of your closest family and friends—the people whose opinions, actions, and presence genuinely matter to you. Everyone else sits in the outer circle. It can be helpful to reflect on where someone belongs. If they’re part of your outer circle, then when you notice yourself thinking about them excessively, it might help to pause, take a breath, and gently put things into perspective. Ask yourself: What could I be doing right now instead of spending mental energy on this person? Remind yourself that not everyone needs to take up space in your thoughts. Sometimes, learning to step back, redirect your attention, and focus on what truly matters can be far more freeing than trying to decode everyone around you.

Thanks to one of my patients, I found myself reflecting a little more deeply than I usually do, and I decided to gather those thoughts into a blog so I could share them with you. While I truly enjoy writing about my adventures and some very special moments from the past few months, it feels equally refreshing to pause and reflect on my clinical practice, my role as a therapist —and on my (very humble) perspectives on life and human interaction. I’d also love to hear what you think. If you’ve made it this far, feel free to drop me a message and share your thoughts.

So, the next time you find yourself overthinking or worrying about someone, pause for a moment, take a breath, and ask yourself: Are they truly important to me?